On the go

It's been a fairly hectic time for YOP (your old pal) with interviews, stag dos and holidays.

Now one shouldn't divulge too much of what goes on during a stag do and I won't but I question whether I will ever again see men attempt to down a raw egg with the shell, willingly be smacked with an S&M paddle (with a love heart cut into it) and, in my case, spend so much in Spearmint Rhino whilst being unemployed - thank the lord for credit cards!

The stag do was in Birmingham; Broad St is sooo busy and The Walkabout is sooo sweaty and the new Travel Lodge there is hotter than the sun; I guess if you only pay £16 for a room then you can't expect to have air conditioning? Not sure I indulged in top culinary treats... Steak pie and chips from the chippy, chicken tikka kebab in naan at 3am and the dirtiest chicken and liquid cheese (I didn't know cheese came in oil form) burrito anybody has ever attempted to put together.

So from there I scooted off to Mallorca to try and recover. The plan was simple, a few cheap days in the sun whilst not drinking too much... well the sun part was fine but of course I spent far too much and deffo consumed too much booze - as I type this I feel like a swollen Iberian pig who has been fed an awful lot of acorns and is ready for the chorizo maker!

Captain Intensity joined me in Mallorca and was an excellent tourist, happy to lead me astray and happy to do whatever - normally I enjoy being back in London after a trip to the rock but on this occassion I would happily be still padding around the old town.

Having landed bloody late (thanks Trenty for staying up till 1am to be our taxi driver on a school night) we weren't able to catch last orders in the alchies bar round the corner from the flat although the staff were happy to let us stand like plums for 10 mins before informing us that no we couldn't have a little tipple.

Day 1 kicked off with a traditional brekkie at Bar Bosch which is one of the oldest cafes in the city. What is traditional there? It's ham, cheese and toasted bread - pretty much standard fare for brekkie and lunch everywhere on the rock, good luck trying to find an alternative. But that washed down with coffee and people watching is a delight.

We then waited till the midday sun was at its highest and embarked on a marathon walk, YOP in 37 degrees melted, it was a horror show, I think the waitress in Kaskai was terrified that I had sweated through my t-shirt. After that we tucked into lunch at the blue hotel before returning to the old town. For dinner Dan and I shared roast lamb and dauphinoise potatoes at the excellent new-ish French joint just off La Rambla. It was mired slighlty by the painfully loud American couple who we ended up talking to - I can assure you the bald guy wanted to film Dan and I fuck his wife, in fact that was probably the best case scenario. I'm probably never going to fly Delta Airlines if this is a good representation of their pilots.

We ran off into the night popping into Puro which promised air conditioning but delivered a Euro trash sweat fest and a Mojito bar which had awesome air conditioning as well as the amusing sight of a pair of deck hands launching themselves at 2 German girls - one was cute, the other not so much but that didn't bother these boys, they wanted to penetrate enemy lines regardless of the terrain.

From here we hit Garito where they served Dan a goldfish bowl of rum and coke and then Il Divino where I assumed the waitress was a hooker. I barked no when she enquired if she could take me to a table, moments later I realised my very vocal mistake. Embarassed I shuffled off to a table unassisted to watch a genuine hooker work her 'dark charms' on some Germans. Home about 4am after another monster walk, so much for the early night.

Day 2 began with brekkie at Cappucino next to the cathedral, a delightful spot for bacon and eggs and yet more people watching. An awful late lunch in a lovely square was followed by a mooch about toon and then a beer in another Cappucino branch - I think its my fav, built in a grand courtyard. That evening we hit a wicked little dining spot in Santa Catalina, think its called Dukes. It's run by some surfer dudes, "we rode the waves together, now we work together" and it's deffo worth checking out although I was bloody jealous of Dan and Trent choosing the teriyaki steak, my bbq pork ribs were tasty but not in the same league. We then went and geezered it up in Puerto Portals, dangerously young Essex birds fought for the attentions of coke snorting wide boys. Dan and I sippped rum and amaretto and pondered how different us middle class Surrey boys are until 3am - another early night!

Our final day encompassed a well earned lie in followed by a stroll down to Portixol - here we had old school paella at the 100 yr old Club Nautico which is a restaurant cum sailing youth club. Great spot but be warned locals will be served food hours before you are. Then we had coffee at the boutique Portixol hotel before giving Nassau €6.50 for a bloody bottle of water! I have to admit I loved the view and I would return just for that.

The evening saw another return to Santa Catalina and an Italian spot which banged out a franklu superb set of steaks on a hot stone with potatoes, rosemary and garlic - sensational, the seasoning making for a right meaty treat.

Then we staggered off to a bar Anna had promised the owner she would visit some time - it took about a nano-second to realise it was in fact a gay bar. However, somehow a debate began as to whether it really was, Trenty fired off an exasperated and very audible rant, "of course its a fucking gay bar, look at the 2 men behind the bar, the blue lighting, the massive disco ball, the 2 men sitting on thrones and the lack of lock on the toilet". This he repeated in various forms for several minutes... at the end we discovered the owner spoke perfect English and that Trent's 'review' would have been fully understood - that's the family charm. 3.30am finish - bugger (so to speak)!

So after that a roast lamb and red wine treat back in Blightly with the Carnivore Club (Nick and Gavin) at Nick's sensational new pad, complete with boy's room and gym, was in order. It was superb and the wine was cracking, thank you chaps, oh and thank you for introducing me to Tropic Thunder - great movie and how bloody funny is Tom Cruise?! Extraordinary I know but true.